A scene in a funny movie took me back in time this weekend. A young mom of an elementary boy was fretting over the fact that her husband (who was babysitting) was probably letting her innocent baby play a "violent video game". Or wait...maybe it was an old home video. Because the words she was saying had come right out of my own mouth. From this distance, it seemed funny. But once upon a time I had taken that and many other things SOOOO seriously. And now, I wondered why.
I was that mom who vowed her children would play with gender neutral toys. Trucks AND dolls for everyone! And no guns. No toy guns, no water guns, no BB guns, not even a hot glue gun. Or a stick that was bent and kinda looked like a gun. (I had an imaginative son - I had to be vigilant!)
And no movies with kissing scenes.
Or bad words.
This goes for music too. I once returned a movie soundtrack I had bought the kids because one of the songs had a curse word in it. And then I cursed MYSELF for not looking into the lyrics more thoroughly BEFORE buying it.
Of course, I'm not saying parents should let their kids go to Hell in a handbasket. But focusing on all that stuff was exhausting! And, I'm sorry to say, a total waste of time. My children grew into adults who play war themed video games, kiss their boyfriends and girlfriends, and listen to music that is sometimes "uncensored". In other words, normal Americans.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my blonde, permed, floweredy dress-wearing self to relax. I would tell her that parenting is not about rules, but about relationship. And that even though she didn't know it at the time, she was accidentally doing some things right. Like listening to her children's hearts. And giving them permission to pick out their own clothes (even if they DID tuck their sweat shirt into their sweat pants). And learning to heal her own heart's wounds so she could be a whole person who lets others grow into whole people.
I would tell her to stop being so afraid that she was going to "mess up" her kids or that others would think she was a "bad mom". I would tell her that her house was plenty clean enough and her kids would actually choose to eat vegetables someday (even saurkraut and asparagus!).
My grown up kids aren't perfect (thank goodness!) but they turned out remarkably well. They love and are loved. They feed themselves and manage to wear clean clothes (most of the time). They respect their elders. They have their own relationships with God. They make mistakes and they try again. And they stay in touch with their Mama!
Fortunately, mixed in with all those rules was a healthy dose of grace. Grace when I was too grouchy from the stress of all that Perfect Parenting. Grace when rules were broken and feelings were hurt. Grace when we fell down that gave us space to get back up.
In spite of all the things that didn't matter, God gave us the one thing that DID!
