Missing

Have you noticed that something has been missing from my blogs this week? That something (or someone) is Hillary. She's been gone to church camp. Today is the day! They're coming home.

I remember the first time she went to camp. She was 8 years old...and I didn't miss her at all. That's because I went with her! As a worker.

The next few years, I didn't follow her to camp, but I did fuss and fiddle over preparing her. I washed all her clothes, made elaborate lists of every possible thing she might need, and packed her in coordinating outfits sealed in large ziploc bags and labeled day by day. (I know...it's a sickness) But this year, I hardly did anything. She packed herself (literally - she showed me how she could fit in her suitcase. Good thing the church doesn't charge per pound to haul the luggage!) She was excited...and I was excited for her. Even though I knew I would miss her being here, I was happy she was getting to go. I wasn't worried about her safety. I wasn't moping about her absence. It was nice...for me AND for her.

She gave me a huge hug when she got on the bus, and waved out the window as they drove away. All cell phones were confiscated and held by the leaders when they actually got there, so I knew I wouldn't get to talk to her every day. But I did get a text message Monday night. "Camp is great! I miss you guys!"

The week passed, like it always tends to do. And Parker got to feel like an only child for a few days. And now it's Friday and Hillary just called. Even though I haven't been sad this week, I felt a surge of pure joy in my heart when I heard her voice. She was so happy and full of stories. She took 5 tapes full of video. We will relive camp together when she gets home.

Is this what it's like to let your child go? When she goes to college or gets married or moves across the country to act, sing, dance, or take pictures will I so easily let her pack herself and not dissolve into tears as she drives away, waving out the window? I hope so. I want to let her fly...free from guilt...and live her life with her through her stories. I want to feel joy when I hear her voice, without being sad in between times. I want to learn to miss her without something missing in my own life.

I'll let you know how it goes!